12dpo Beta, so depressing

This morning I awoke and took a HPT. It was a big fat negative. Then I had my beta test done and the results came back negative as well. My emotions have been all over the place the last few days. One minute I feel numb and the next I'm crying and feeling heartbroken. I go back and forth between thinking that one of these times it's going to work and I'm going to get pregnant with a healthy baby and the next minute I'm wondering if it isn't meant to be. I know we haven't been trying that long and so far my body is responding like it should to treatment. There are so many women out there who have been trying for years and some who will never have a baby at all. I'm trying really hard to keep that in mind today. Clomid sure makes me feel gloomy though and it's hard to stay positive.

I think this next cycle I'm going to try and turn over a new leaf. It's time to get back to the gym, start doing more yoga and eating better. It certainly doesn't help my spirits when I'm eating tons of chocolate and hamburgers to make myself feel better for a few minutes. It's got to stop. I've got to start controlling my emotions and treating my body better. Hopefully that will lift my spirits and give me a sense of control.  

I'm so evil!

So I know this woman who has a 2yr old boy. She's one of those women who really really wants a girl. She is also someone that plans everything in excruciating detail and pretty much always gets what she wants. She just makes things happen. We all know you can't really "plan" the sex of your baby so this is the one thing in her life she doesn't really have control over. Well, she is pregnant with her second child now and recently found out she's having another boy. I have to admit I smiled in inside when she told me. I had mentally prepared myself for her to get what she wants again and have a girl but no, it's a boy! I know it's horrible to be happy about something that disappointed someone else but I can't help myself! Here I am trying to get pregnant and would be thrilled for either a boy or girl and praying I get pregnant and have a healthy baby. I just can't wrap my head around people like her. You simply can't plan everything in life and you can't always get your way.

IUI Madness

I just had my 2nd IUI. My regular doctor was off today since it's Saturday so I had to have another doc do the procedure. He had a heck of a time getting the catheter into my uterus! He finally had to use ultrasound guidance to get in. Low and behold he was successful, thank goodness.

I'm very frustrated though because we had to use frozen sperm this time since my husband's sister is in town this weekend. The timing this month was just horrendous! Because we have company my husband wouldn't have any privacy to produce a sample so we had to use our frozen sample. As such, I had to sneak out "for a doctor appointment" early this morning. I'm sure his sister is wondering why the heck I had to go to the doctor on a Saturday! Before the procedure the doc said there were 12 million sperm after the wash. This sounds like a crappy deal to me but according to him they want to see 10 million, so at least we hit the minimum. But I'm still uber pissed we couldn't figure out a way to use a fresh sample! The doc also said that you have the highest chance of getting pregnant in the first 3 IUI's and after that the probability goes down. This is not what you want to hear going into your 2nd IUI with stupid frozen sperm! This little tid-bit of information is obviously adding to my stress and anxiety about the probability of us getting pregnant with IUI in general. I mean what the heck happens if we don't get pregnant after 3 IUI's? Do we keep trying? Do we think about other options like IVF. I can't even go there mentally right now. As I was leaving the doctor handed me a prescription for Clomid and said "Here's this in case you need it next month". This did not leave me feeling too hopeful.

For some reason this cycle is seriously toying with my emotions. I feel like I just can't get a grip on myself. If only it were easy to put it all in the back of my mind for the next two weeks until my pregnancy test! My focus is going to have to change if I want to make it through the two week wait without driving myself crazy with thoughts of pregnancy. At least Christmas is next weekend to help distract me. My pregnancy test will be the week after. Praying for a Christmas/New Year's miracle!

IUI # 2

My 2nd IUI is scheduled for this Saturday. I'm feeling both excited and apprehensive about it. It's so hard to try and refrain from getting my hopes up that it will work. At the same time I don't want my thinking to be too negative about it either. In life in general, I of course have good days and bad days, but most of the time I have a very positive outlook on my life. Infertility certainly does a good job of challenging my optimism. But I will just keep moving forward and doing my best to trust my doctor and follow all of his instructions.

HSG Exam

Normal HSG
You can visualize the uterus and both tubes

I'd been dreading it, but I knew I had to do it. My doctor wanted me to have a hysterosalpingogram in order to assess my anatomy and make sure my Fallopian tubes are open. I had heard from a lot of ladies that it is an uncomfortable procedure so I was feeling super nervous and fidgety sitting there in the waiting room.

My Favorite OPK Brand

Clear Blue Easy Digital

When I first began tracking my cycles, that is, when we were toying with the idea of having a baby, I bought about 100 of those cheap internet brand OPKs on Amazon.com. I used them for almost a year and had so many frustrating moments trying to decide if that stupid pink line was dark enough to be considered positive or not! While they were cheap, they weren't the most reliable or very good at helping find your peak LH level.

Ovarian Reserve Lab Test Results

Ovarian Reserve Timeline

The nurse from my reproductive endocrinologist's office called today with my ovarian reserve results.

Drawing a line

Today I made a big decision. I've decided to stop talking about my infertility at work. The tension I feel when co-workers are waiting to hear how a procedure went, and when I'll be taking a pregnancy test is just too much to bare. One issue is I'm friends with several co-workers so it makes not talking about infertility really difficult since it is a big focus in my life right now. After my first IUI I realized that after talking to one person about that was enough for all sorts of people to know what's going on with me. Where I work gossip spreads like wildfire. There really isn't anyone I can trust to keep the information in confidence. I think it will be the healthiest thing for me to find my support outside of work.

Clomid Cloud

Clomid has done a number on my emotional state and it always gets worse around the time of my period. It makes me feel sad and I just can't snap out of it, I like to call it the Clomid cloud. Anything can set me off and make me feel like crying. My patience wears thin with normal daily activities and I find myself wanting to burst into tears at the slightest inconvenience, it could be something as ordinary as getting stuck in traffic and even walking the dog is extra frustrating. 

IUI #1 = Failure

Not surprisingly our first IUI cycle out of the gate was a bust. In the beginning I thought the stars had aligned, I produced beautiful follicles on 100mg Clomid by cycle day 12, took the trigger shot that night and had my IUI on day 15 of my cycle. A week later I felt little twinges in my pelvic area and thought maybe, just maybe that little embryo was tucking itself into my uterus and would become our first baby. 

Pregnant Co-workers

It’s Saturday and I’m sitting on the couch with my fur babies looking at the Christmas tree. My husband is off at an early morning meeting, and yes, on a Saturday! It’s foggy and the ground is completely covered in frost that almost looks like snow. The sun is starting to shine through every now and then. A week ago I ordered a book written by a psychologist who specializes in treating women who are dealing with infertility. I’ve read a few chapters and I have to say it is nice to know that my feelings and emotions are normal. I feel somewhat validated. Infertility is truly one of the most stressful and emotional things I’ve gone through in a long time. Don’t get me wrong, nursing school was stressful and I was packed full with anxiety during those years of study, but I have never felt such bitterness and jealousy of pregnant women in my life.